My transfer back to our main office is good timing. I enjoy going to the Kriskindlmarket every year and not wanting to miss it, I asked Wi to go with me. It would have been so boring had I stayed in the suburbs for work. There was a slight drizzle, foggy and gray but it did not dampen our spirits, the most I could muster.
It’s been many years ago since I felt the real spirit of Christmas. Mom and I both loved Christmas and a month before, around Thanksgiving like most people, she would check the lights that she would hung around the house – the front porch, the windows, all by herself. She’d make it as festive as she could. And right after Christmas we’d be looking for good sales of Christmas decorations for the following year.
But ever since her cancer got really bad three years ago, I think I have been on auto-pilot. On her last Christmas here my landlord feeling sorry for us gave me a two-foot artificial tree which I hardly decorated. It was just so Mom and I would be reminded that Christmas was around.
But I was sure there was so much she missed. Our tradition of spending Christmas eve with my uncle and his family and then a celebration of her birthday on New Year’s Eve. Most of all the preparation and cooking she did a week going forward to her birthday party. She’d cook many of the dishes while I was at work, freezing some of the stuff and I would be surprised at the variety of dishes she came up with on New Year’s eve.
My mother was sickly as a child. So early on she became a devotee of our Lady of Lourdes. And that’s how I got my baptismal name. As a child every year of her life was celebrated in thanksgiving for her life was considered a gift from heaven.
I have not done any Christmas cards and I have not decorated my place. My heart is still heavy with her loss. I bought some small gifts just to have something to give but my heart is not into celebrating.
Maybe I ought to pinch myself just so I could get away from my Christmas blues. So I thought a trip to the Kriskindl Markt would help.
The weather was balmy despite the gray and that helps. I bought myself a German bratwurst with sauerkraut for lunch. And later Wi and I shared some glazed pecans and walnut. The cinnamon, the burnt sugar and caramel, all to me smell of Christmas. We watched the people around us, everyone was having fun. And for an hour, it uplifted me.
Maybe eventually I will get out of this rut. Maybe the trip to New York will help although I haven’t even packed my bags and that’s a few days from today.
Perhaps in time as I am sure my Mom would want me to celebrate, I know that.